Living with anxiety for a billion years, is now all about recognising what needs to be thought about more or something that my brain is making me bat shit crazy over. I often have to stop and think is this serious or is my brain making us think we should be stressing, and most of the time it is the latter. Sometimes, I go too far into a downward spiral and I don’t have that brain power to stop myself and asses but hey ho, I try my best.
I spend most of my days giving myself a pep talk and talking myself out of spiralling. I absolutely hate going into that deep, dark pit of despair and I will try everything I can to talk myself off the ledge.
My mood is always up and down like a fucking yo-yo. I can be happy one minute having a good day and something I see or read about online, or something when I am out and about can trigger me and send me into a downward spiral.
I’m finding that social media is being really triggering at the moment and something I am trying to avoid doing. Like so many people in this world, I check my phone before I get out of bed in the morning and if I find something triggering on my socials it can set me up for a bad day. So, at the moment I am often only looking at people’s IG stories etc that I know would never make me feel any type of way other than calm.
A few weeks ago I picked up my phone as I usually do as soon as I wake up and I checked my socials. There I was met with smiling faces from a night out. Great, lovely, glad you had a nice time. What triggered me was that in those photos was my best friend. Well at least she was my best friend up until we haven’t spoken in over a year despite my many efforts to hold down the friendship. I wasn’t mad and upset that she went out, I was mad that she was able to hold a text conversation with them to arrange it, when my messages have been ignored.
There is so much in my life that has happened in the last year that she knows nothing about, unless she reads these posts lols. The situation left me feeling broken and worthless and it took me a while to pull myself out of it. Even writing this now makes me feel a type of way. And if she is reading this and knows it’s her I also don’t want her to be mad at me, but, I always speak and write from the heart. I always share the struggles in my life and this couldn’t be something I keep to myself just because I don’t want to make someone mad.
Losing a friend is really upsetting. I do really miss her. We have so many great memories. I always imagined us dancing together at my book launch party, but now she doesn't even know I have written a book that's getting published.
Maybe without my mental health issues it wouldn’t have affected me at all. Losing a friend is tough, especially when you aren’t sure what the hell happened or why it happened. There is only so much I can keep giving without having nothing in return, especially when I struggle the way I do.
I hardly have the brain capacity to figure out my own shit, and having to deal with something like that with crazy anxiety is enough to send you over the edge.
We can’t control other people’s behaviour just how we react to it. At the moment, my brain is unpredictable so for now I will keep it out of my mind and out of my phone. I will continue to avoid certain people on social media to keep my brain healthy.
Often it isn’t them it’s me (yep that old cliché), but it genuinely is silly things that trigger me sometimes. It can be someone posting their book when I don’t have mine, even though I know it’s coming soon. Or someone posting their achievements when I’m sat there in the same joggers as the last four days eating a pack of cookies. It isn’t their fault I’m having a weird moment, but for my own protection and my sanity it’s a no from me hun (see what I did there lols.)
This post isn't about slagging anyone off, I would never do that to her. It's about knowing it's okay if you need to protect yourself. Knowing that some people leave your life, it's sad but you will be okay and even if you don't want to let them go sometimes you have no choice.
And if the person is reading this, you know I love you, I miss you and will always be there for you, I just need to protect myself too. There's only so much putting myself out there when it's met with nothing that I can do.
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