Fight or Flight

The only thing I dislike about a holiday is the people. Actually that is the thing I dislike in most situations but that’s an issue for another time and another blog post.

Holidays are so much freaking fun, but the idiots around me keep trying to push my buttons and turn me into a psychopath, (okay even more of a psychopath.) Don’t test me huns. I will full on turn Joe Goldberg and lock you in a Perspex box, do not try me. Yes, I’ve watched season four of You already, can you tell? Spoiler alert where was the Perspex box?!

Those who know me, understand I can be a bitch, however, I am a lovely bitch. A lovely bitch that is the most amazing friend, super kind and thoughtful, yet I will go ape shit if need be. Enter the delightful, little shit of a ‘man’ sat next to us on the flight to Lanzarote.

Now forgive me if I am wrong, which I absolutely am not, when you choose to pre-book an aisle seat you have signed an invisible unspoken contract which states you are willing to get up for other passengers to use the facilities. Stop me if I am wrong. No? Then I shall carry on. This unspoken contract is valid for the entire flight should the two passengers sat next to you require the use of the loos.

Now, first of all no one wants to actually use these toilets. They are tiny, gross and the whole walking down the tiny aisle to get to them freaks me out. But, sometimes needs must. During a four hour flight and I’ve just finished my snacky snacks and a bottle of iced tea, my bladder will know there is a toilet near and it will require usage of said toilet.

You do the awkward umm excuse me and the smallest of taps on the shoulder when he can’t hear you because he is balls deep in an episode of what can only be described as a shitty version of Game of Thrones. So, he was watching Game of Thrones, really sorry need to use the loo. Ooooff, what an absolute bellend. The huffing and puffing coming from that man I thought he was trying to help the plane engine reach its final destination quicker.

In my defence I only used the toilet on two occasions one of which was when he had already moved to go there himself. But, yet here we are feeling awkward as fuck trying to pee as fast as you can and jog back to your seat so this twat of a man can get back to his shitty viewing.

So toilet breaks, snacky snacks and powers naps over it was time to get off the plane. Now, I am totally with the people that think it’s ridiculous to stand up as soon as the plane stops 10000%. What I am not completely with is once the doors have opened and people are starting to disembark and you are still sitting down having a lovely fucking time. Sir, move your twat of a selfish ass right now or I will launch you through the emergency exit. I didn’t just choose this seat for the extra leg room. Honestly, who wants to sit there when the rest of the passengers on the flight are probably already at the hotel, in the bar sipping a cocktail, whilst I’m being held hostage by some miserable fucker who probably has mummy issues and still wets the bed. Dick!

Oh, and yes you bet your psychopath ass he was sitting in exactly the same seat on our return flight. That was sheer joy. Didn’t ask Carol and I if we had a good holiday, not once. I did though, in case you are reading this and wondering. Also he put ice with his beer. If that's not psychotic behaviour I don't know what is. The horror.

Flight is over and I have reached my destination, what could I possible have left to moan about. Well, I am glad you asked.

Why, oh why would you put towels around the pool from stupid o’clock to reserve a sun bed if you aren’t going to sit on said sun bed until 3pm. They had the best spot, right next to the pool. I wanted to pull an inbetweeners and throw their towels in the pool. Carol had to hold me back. How selfish can you actually be, especially when I am on my holidays. Just rude. They also then left at 4pm which made me absolutely rage. You bet your ass I gave them the worst stare they have ever seen. Don’t take me for a fool.

The moral of the story is, don’t be a selfish little prick and move your selfish little prick ass out of my way when it is time to get off the plane. I didn’t pay all this money to sit here next to you for a week thanks hun. Now fuck off.