Showing my body has always been a fear of mine. I’ll take a million photos just to get that perfect shot. Making sure everything is covered, no lumps and bumps hanging out, the “perfect version of me”.
I’ve deleted so many photos over the years because I didn’t like the way I looked in them. Family memories that I want to remember, just not the way my legs looked sticking out under that dress, or, how my hips were more on show in that particular pair of trousers. These hips don’t lie.
Having a 13 year old niece, I try so hard to be body positive as I don’t want her to ever feel like she isn’t good enough or that others aren’t good enough just because of how they look. I’ve always been careful the words I use around her when talking about my body. Yet, I still hide and hate when she isn’t around. I don’t want her to think people have to cover up or can’t wear something because of their size.
On holidays, I always do the usual thing of rushing to get into the pool, so few people as possible can see me in my swimmers. I completely cover up to visit the pool bar or avoid it altogether, lying there safe on my sun lounger, invisible. I strategically choose my evening outfits, so that I am cool but also covered.
I’ve made it no secret that I really struggled with my mental health this summer holiday. My brain was completely fucked and one day sitting around the pool, I thought what the fuck am I actually doing? There is a shit ton of more important things going on than how I look in a swimsuit.
My mental health struggles were so bad, I though hang on a second, I don’t have room for this bollocks in my brain as well. I don’t have the brain capacity to worry about my bingo wings smacking me or a passer-by in the face as I wave Carol over from the bar. I don’t have the energy to worry how much bigger my legs are than everyone else’s. I am no longer worrying about my left phalange being out, okay, that bit we still should be worried about, it’s a family hotel after all.
From then on I went to the pool bar without anything covering me, well, other than my swimsuit of course. I didn’t go from zero to full on nudist in a split second. Plus, if I did we wouldn’t be having this blog post as I would be in a Greek prison. Silver linings and all that.
Obviously, I’m not “cured” of my negative feelings towards my body, I still hate it and want to change it lols. But, I literally stopped caring. It’s more supressed feelings now. God, a therapist would have a field day with me.
I even wore a shorter dress with nothing covering my legs other than some chub rubbers underneath. I actually felt really nice that night and it was one of my fave outfits.
Now, I’ve stopped trying to hide my lumps and bumps in photos. The horrible bits of my arms I absolutely hate are coming right at ya. I get this weird fat fold, people love it on a baby but not so much on an overweight, 36 year old crazy bitch. Rude! Don’t cross me though, I’ll slap you with my bingo wings.
Take the photos and post the photos. No one is perfect and it’s about time we all bloody stopped trying to be. It is so fucking exhausting and I just don’t have the space in my brain for such idiocy. My brain needs room for overthinking that stupid comment I made to my boss over ten years ago, and that night out I had when I was 17. It doesn’t have time for such juvenile bollocks. Jeez!
If someone has a problem with the way you look in a photo they can suck my dick. It doesn’t affect them in any way. Now, stop being a dickhead and just scroll passed it and go about your day. “Oh watch out, Nikki’s fat folds have made my day a terrible one. I can no longer go on through life because of this.” Grow up!
Even if you don’t want to post the photo just yet, still take it and keep it for you as there could be a time in the future when that’s all you have left of that memory. We need to stop just looking at a photo and hating the way we look and start remembering the amazing day we had.
I’m doing this for my brain capacity and for the little eyes watching around us. We grew up with a negative body image everywhere, let’s not do it to our babies too.
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