It’s funny how anxiety can turn you into a different person. I could be having the best time living life and my anxiety will slap me in the face like a wet fish and completely change my personality.
I used to be the person that could travel to London alone at 5am, meet up with someone I met through Instagram and attend a bunch of fashion week shows. One of which we blagged our way into. Now I struggle to go to my local Tesco, and not even the big Tesco, the little one across the road, where I know most of the people that work there. Sometimes, I can’t even pick my nephew up from school. The thought of it freaks me out and I have a major panic inside.
When I think back of that girl going to London on her own, meeting celebrities and having the best time, it doesn’t feel like it was me. If it wasn’t for the fact I have photographic evidence I would say you were lying.
Like so many people, COVIDs really did the dirty on me when it comes to my mental health. We weren’t able to do normal things for so long I have forgotten how to do them. Even bumping into an old friend and having a quick chat, I feel I sound like a right dickhead and will replay the conversation in my head for the next hour to 37 years. Don’t get me wrong we all know I don’t like people, but where the hell did my social skills go.
I always had low days now and again before the world stopped, I mean we are all human and can’t be skipping down the street singing the Cha Cha Slide everyday but now it’s on another level and it is just petty.
Certain things I did pre end of the world I am happy not to be doing anymore, but some things I would like to be able to do again please. I don’t want to be where the people are but maybe like adjacent. I want to catch up with friends and so many times I’ve gone to pick my phone up to message them, then my brain tries to kill me and is like ‘but will we want to actually do it when the day comes? Won’t we want to stay in bed and hide away forever?’ Can you not please.
I am turning 36 (what the actual fuck) this year and I cannot let life pass me by without being able to actually live it and do all the things I want to do. I need to tell my brain and stupid thoughts to fuck off and let me be me again. Who’s with me!!! We’ll start on Monday lols.
Comments