There I was minding my own business getting ready for the day when I hear a massive roar. No, dinosaurs have not made a comeback, that would be much easier than the reality. The reality, school holidays! Sorry, Sir Attenborough I’m sure dinos will make a comeback soon.
The boy one must have become possessed, that’s the only way I can describe what is going on downstairs. Don’t worry hun, I’ll get some sage and take the hex off you in a minute, now. Help is on the way dear!!!
It’s been a full week with these delightful angels and I am ready to move to Bermuda and never return.
Why is it so exhausting to keep telling a child to do or to stop doing something? ‘Don’t touch that.’ ‘Put your shoes on.’ ‘Please wash your hands.’ ‘Stop poking the dog.’
Like what the actual fuck I cannot go on. How you people do it 24/7 I’ll never understand and nor do I want to.
I don’t think I’ve had a poo in peace once this week. I have an audience of two kids and a dog every time. Like excuse me I’m getting stage fright here.
Then you have to keep them entertained every damn day. Something that doesn’t cost the earth, weather permitting and something that doesn’t make me want to claw my eyes out. I’m sick of the sight of parks. There I said it! We take them to the zoo, ‘can we go in the park?’ The beach, park. A London trip, park! Like no hun the parks are closed! Closed forever. I loved when we could get away with that when they were babies.
I say they the girl one is twelve now and pretty good. She just has her phone glued to her hand and lashes out at the boy one when he comes within 100 yards of her. So that’s fun too.
If school holidays has taught me anything it’s that I’ve made the correct decision in not wanting kids. I’m so sorry for those that didn’t make that choice and are now stuck with the feral shitbags forever. I mean you could leave them at a fire station but I’m not sure on the rules, is it illegal or just frowned upon?
In all seriousness I take my hat off to all you amazing mamas, dads, guardians. Keep those little fucks alive is a huge achievement. Don’t be so hard on yourselves. I am proud of you.
Cheers to another week of hell before it’s their dads turn. If I don’t make it please tell everyone how amazing I was.
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