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Spirals be spiralling

We all have different fears, some are general fears that we don’t ever really encounter. The thought of ever seeing a snake makes my skin crawl. I even had a dream I went to Australia, then panicked getting off the plane that I forgot they had snakes so I just got back on and went home Lols.

Having mental health issues often means you are scared of pretty much everything. I often think, am I scared scared, or is it just my stupid brain telling me I’m scared.


Having a stupid brain makes your imagination run wild. My thoughts don’t even stop when I’m sleeping. If I wrote down every crazy ass dream I have, I’d probably be sectioned. I think that’s why I’m exhausted all the time. My brain just keeps on going. It’s taking the piss out of me, I just know it.


I’ve recently written about my Crohns diagnosis and this week was time for my MRI scan. Gross!! I thought I had gotten away with just having a camera shoved up my butthole, but sadly not. They may have been finished taking photos of the inside of my butthole, but they definitely wanted more snaps. They should be ashamed.

From the day the scan letter arrived through my letterbox, I was a ridiculous mess, as you can imagine. I was panicking every time I thought about it, and not just because the appointment was at 8.45! The horror!!


Over the weeks I calmed down, put my big girl pants on and acted like the bad ass bitch I am, or at least pretend to be. I had a plan on how to get through it. I’d go through my New York itinerary from last December from start to finish. Picturing each thing we did so vividly, I was transported back to Manhattan and this stupid tube was just a really bad nightmare.


But, the day before my MRI scan I started freaking out. I had one before around 9 years ago and I’m so claustrophobic, even thinking about it all these years later makes me panic. And now I’m complete and utter bat shit crazy. I was only a little crazy back then, so you can imagine my delight of having to do it again.

I feel like I can’t breathe if someone holds both my wrists at the same time. Never mind being shoved into a tube that feels like the walls are caving in. I keep thinking they are just going to shut it up both ends and sell me on the black market like an episode of Criminal Minds. I mean they probably won’t get very much for me but every little helps ya know so it still could happen. Plus, I’m pretty sure Carol would notice if I didn’t come out after the scan, but you just never know.


I actually asked her what she would do if I didn’t ever come out and they told her she didn’t have a daughter and it was all her imagination. You can imagine the look on her face. I made her promise she will fight for me and never believe them. I’m real god damn it!!

Can you see now why I’m so exhausted? Even this blog post is a freaking spiral of spirals hehe.


I spoke with my sister the day before and she said no matter how much you feel like the walls are closing in or there’s no way out, keep thinking that it’s not real. Remind your brain constantly that it isn’t happening.


It got me thinking about other things my brain tells me. We are all told we aren’t our thoughts etc and it’s so true. If I can believe that the walls of this machine aren’t closing in on me why can’t I believe all the other stupid shit my brains tells me that isn’t real?

I may have to start picturing this scan the next time my brain is playing up, which let’s face it, will probably be in the next 10 seconds.


I’m going to try and turn this shit show of a fear into something positive that can help me in the future.


If it all goes to shit, I can just remind myself how amazing it was that I didn’t get sold on the black market! Winning at life over here.


*I survived and it was nowhere near as bad as the last time. They didn’t try to sell me and Carol is fully aware she still has a daughter. Phew!

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