Don't Pick Up

I would rather send a carrier pigeon than pick up the phone and make a two second phone call. I’d write a letter and send it via airmail or on a boat before I dare to think about ringing someone. How on earth I used to work in offices, that required me to not only do this but, wait for it, to actually answer the phone as well (the absolute horror), is beyond me. That was clearly a different person, and she is no longer with us. Thoughts and prayers to you and yours.

If I have to make a phone call at a specific time, my whole day is about said call. I cannot make any other plans. I cannot do anything, other than sit and wait to make the dreaded call. Then spend the rest of the day recovering from the ordeal. I’m going to need a lie down, my comfort TV show, a hot water bottle and a hot chocolate please.

I will go over the speech in my head a million times, so I know exactly what to say when they answer. Or, I’ll forget the whole thing, hang up and try again tomorrow. The thought was there.

I know they can’t see me, and I will probably never meet them, but I can see me. I will cringe and continue to think about that time I forgot my whole identity whilst trying to order a takeout for the next 74 years.

“Chicken Chow Mein please.”

“This is an insurance company ma’am.”

“Yes, I know. It was a test. You have just won ten thousand pounds. Goodbye.”

If it’s an important phone call, you can almost guarantee I will have forgotten several important questions to ask, and spend the rest of the day wondering if I should ring back or just wing it and work it out myself.

Do not even get me started when they put you on hold. There is only so long I can listen to elevator music before I want to commit murder. Then, you’re left on hold for so long, you forget what you were calling about in the first place. Who was I even calling? What the hell is my name? Where is that music coming from? You are now just a shell in human form, not sure if you will ever return again. You had a good run.

“Oh hi, yes can I make a dentist appointment please?” “My name?” You’ve taken ten seconds too long and I have absolutely no idea anymore.

Answering an unexpected call or even a call you know is coming you’re just not entirely sure when, is just as terrifying.

Waiting for the doctors surgery or hospital has to be one of the worst. They can never give you a time, no, no that will be too sensible. You don’t even get an hour slot. I think even I could cope with that. Okay, I probably couldn't, but the timeframe of stressing is a lot less so I am here for that.

What I cannot cope with is the we will ring you between this very second you hang up the phone and when the surgery closes. So, you hang around all day, waiting. Not wanting to move away from your phone. Sure, you can take it with you but that’s not the same. I must be sat here, still with a pen and paper waiting for the time when it happens, and then, get so overwhelmed I don’t write any notes and forget every single thing I was just told. Fun times.

Having someone unexpectedly ring you is absolutely vile and totally uncalled for. I may be sitting here doing absolutely nothing, but I can get very startled very easily and I just do not like, want or need it. My mind will go completely blank. I will have zero recollection of you in this life or any previous one, I will forget how to spell my name or what it even is, then panic that whoever is on the other end is mad at me.

Another fun part of my brain is thinking everything is a fraud until proven otherwise. Yes, you say you’re my consultant, but what if you’re really a thief trying to steal my identity. I fall for it, apparently you are now me and I don’t exist anymore. You move in with Carol and use all my Kate Spade handbags, become Luna’s BFF because she’s fickle and will fall for anything if you give her some snacks and no one believes that I am the real Nikki anymore. No thank you. I will not be attending your appointment, Sir. I am not falling for that one.

Please just leave a message and I will get back to via carrier pigeon or email if the pigeons are a little quiet on the day in question.