You Are Out!

People always talk about not losing your inner child, and I always get mad when people say, “Calm down, you’re like a child.” I will never ever apologise for my passion and excitement I have for things. Personally, I feel it’s one of the best things about me.

My favourite comment being from my nephew who was probably about seven at the time. We walked into Next and it was full of Christmas Bath and Body Works and I was so excited. He turned to me and said why are you acting like you’ve never been in a shop before. I don’t mind it coming from him and in that way as it’s hilarious and in fairness, he is the one that has to deal with me regularly. My family deserves a medal.

I adore the feeling that being around things I love gives me. The cosy and warm hug feeling from a sip of my favourite hot chocolate. The way my stomach flips over with excitement when I see Christmas products in stores. The feeling of seeing the autumn leaves dance around above me. It just fills my soul.

I get more excited for things than a lot of children do, think of Buddy in Elf when he finds out Santa is coming to visit. That’s me because I’ve just seen a pile of brown leaves or just set my eyes on the first Christmas bauble of the year in Home Bargains. I will never stop being me and you shouldn’t either. Be you that is, don’t be me, as fun as my excitement is, it’s absolute chaos in my world.

It was recently my twenty-year school reunion, (I know I don’t look old enough) and I could not think of anything worse. I’ve never understood school reunions. If I wanted to spend time with any of these people, I would have. I don’t need an organised meet up for that. I don’t need people bragging about their ‘perfect’ lives. If it was that perfect you wouldn’t feel the need to say anything.

Anyone I still talk to from school is because I love them dearly. Sure, life gets in the way, and we don’t get to see each other, but their name popping up on a social media notification makes me smile. I like that we can keep clued up on each other’s lives without even having to leave the house.

I have discovered recently that the way I am around certain people is not who I am anymore. It’s like when your parent gives you a row for something and you’re a fully grown adult and you’re like what the fuck but also, how dare you say that to me I am storming off to my room. Good day!

Your parents have that way of making you still feel like a kid sometimes and I personally think meeting up with certain people would make me feel that too and not in a good way. Even looking at some photos from that night made me pull a face. It’s all so fake from so many people and I just cannot be bothered for it. One post made me feel like that annoyed teenager again and I don’t want to feel like that because i have moved on. But for that second, I forgot that. I forgot that I am happy in my life and I got angry and what I was seeing. Even with my health an absolute mess, I’d still rather my life than a lot of others.

I am also extremely aware of the people that are around during bad times. Yes, they may show up for you, only if it’s suitable for them. If it isn’t you are out. And good riddance go on get!!

Since I have been posting about my health declining and my use of a walking stick and then the wheelchair, I’ve looked back recently and thought where were you?

I always show up for people and when I know an old friend is going through a hard time, I reach out to them. Not that I can do anything but sometimes knowing someone is thinking of you helps.

But my messages were silent.

This does not count the people who I have a few messages with now and again to check in, and we like and comment on each other’s posts, you people are amazing and I love you.

It’s those that only know what’s happening because I’ve posted it on social media. They haven’t bothered to check to see how I really am with my life changing so drastically.

People have babies, get engaged, married, new house, promotion and everyone is there to congratulate them. But when you are going through a tough time and people you were there for are nowhere to be seen, it stings. A lot.

I was chatting to a friend I know through Instagram recently. She posted something about struggling and I replied to it to check she was okay. We chatted for a bit then she then messaged me the next day to say thank you and that I was the only one that replied to her story. AND I DON’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW HER IN REAL LIFE.

Get it together for your friends for fuck sake. Yes I am mad now, because it’s sad. It’s sad that you feel it’s okay to see someone’s story or post, practically calling out for help and you just keep on scrolling. Don’t worry though I saw your lovely family photo and still gave it a like because I’m not a shitty person.

I was in two minds about posting this. As I was writing I thought maybe it would just be a journal type thing and it would never see the light of day. But my thing has always been to make people feel less alone and I’m sure I am not alone in this feeling.

And to be perfectly honest if you’re reading this and feel a type of way about it, then good. You should. Show up for your friends it’s not fucking hard. It doesn’t even have to be in person, a message here and there a cute Instagram video. Anything just to let them know you are there.

Sure, people could argue well how am I supposed to reach out and say how’s the wheelchair, hun? That’s exactly how you should reach out. People I have known for fewer years have done a fabulous job of reaching out. It doesn’t have to be a big deal but when people disappear from your life, not even a like on a photo you post, or a fucking hell babes, what’s been going on here? Nothing.

And now I don’t want it.

Stay in your nice, happy bubble and think you are the best person out there. Whatever helps you sleep at night.