Messy, Tired, Struggling — and Still Fighting

Having writers block is a pain in the ass, but having writers block because your brain is telling you it’s all pointless is a whole other level.

Along with your brain telling you ‘oh hey actually everything is pointless’, so picking up your laptop is the last thing on your mind. But, of course it is on your mind and you beat yourself up because you’re not doing it, and then enters your brain once more telling you how pathetic and ridiculous you are. (Replace writing with absolutely everything and you’ve got yourself a fun battle with your brain.)

If you’ve been here a while, you’ll know I am always so open about my mental health. The first time I did it, I wanted to run and hide until the internet didn’t exist anymore, but alas, it’s still here so I had to crawl out of my pit and face the world once more.

I’m not sure I’ve ever written alas ever in my life and I probably never will again, not even sure if I’ve used it correctly but here it is people, enjoy.

I felt embarrassed. Plus, people can be such dicks that I didn’t want to be thought as attention seeking.

People may have thought it and said it, but not to my face so I was cool with that.

Thankfully, I was met with so many wonderful messages I was honestly so shocked. Messages reaching out to check-in. Messages saying me speaking out as given others the courage to do the same. I even several messages from those that knew me saying how shocked they were that I struggle so badly as I always seem to have my ‘shit together.’

I want to continue to share my struggles as if it gets one person to reach out for help then me pouring my thoughts and feelings to the internet has been worth it.

Before seeing my therapist, I knew I hated change. It’s not for me. No thank you. Yucky! But after several sessions, it is very clear that I detest it. It’s vile. Not needed and totally unnecessary. It doesn’t work for me and I immediately want to run away and never return.  

But, unfortunately my therapist bestie informs me that I can’t live like that and change is going to happen and is important. How bloody petty. Why baby Jesus why?!

It’s almost as if the universe heard her and decided to throw everything at me to truly test me and possibly try to break me.

Which it pretty much did. I felt/feel like my world was collapsing, flooding and being set on fire all at the same time. I had nowhere to run, my favourite hiding place no longer felt safe and I was screaming so loudly for help but no one could hear me, and I didn’t even know what help I actually wanted or needed.

Health issues, life, family. Constantly feeling like I’m in a really bad game of laser tag. I just want to yell shots fired and let the professionals take over.

I’m lucky to have amazing people around me and without them I would have let the flood take me a long time ago. But I’m not done here.

I’m not done living. I’m not done finding the glimmers. I’m not done fighting.

Struggling with your mental health is a battle every single day. Some days it feels like a piece of piss, so much so that it makes you question if you ever been struggling or was it all a dream.

But, before you know it, you’re brought back down to reality with a thud. You can’t get out of bed. Your whole body hurts. Your mind is numb, yet full to the point of exploding all at the same time. You want to close your eyes and stay asleep forever just so you don’t have to think anything anymore.

So you can stop your brain can’t tell you you’re worthless. So it can’t tell you, you don’t deserve anything. So it can’t tell you that wanting to hide makes you pathetic and everyone and everything hates you.

But, we can’t sleep forever. We can’t let the thoughts win. It will probably be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but you must.

You must keep fighting.

The thoughts aren’t real. Your brain doesn’t even know what it’s talking about. Your brain is the stupid one for not realising that you’re in charge. You control it not the other way round.

I am in control. Not my stupid brain.

It’s also okay to feel whatever type of way you are feeling, but please, please, please never forget that it won’t last. I know it feels like forever sometimes but you will make it out the other side do not give up.

I’m still having a rough time but this post idea popped into my mind and I wanted to get it out as soon as I could. As for me, writing is something that helps my mental health. It’s an outlet, an escape and weirdly a place of safety. Until people read it that is haha.

Isn’t it ironic that having writer’s (a mind) block is what brought me back to writing.

As always, this isn’t a post for sympathy or likes or whatever. It’s a post that so many others go through but are so scared to speak about in fear that they sound, well absolutely fucking crazy. But you know what’s actually crazy? The fact that so many of us are feeling the exact same and are unsure where to turn.

Please talk to someone. Talk to me, a friend, a professional, anyone. I want to hear you. I am here and ready to hear you.