I'd Rather Not

They say as you get older it’s harder to make friends, and if you’re anything like me it’s probably because everyone thinks you are fucking nuts and wants nothing to do with you. And you know what? I am totally okay with this.

If you want to know what I'm really thinking, just look at my face and you will have all the answers. I've always been happy with my resting bitch face. It makes people clear on where we all stand, so back the fuck up and leave me alone.

I am a slow burner, it takes me a while to warm up to people. I trust no one. I always think they are serial killers, fake fucks, or are going to start being a dickhead any second. Okay, so I may be a tad dramatic there, but all of these things could happen and I do not want to be hanging around to find out which option the person in front of me is going to go with. At this point, I really hope they are a serial killer.

The thought of having to go somewhere to meet a new person or people for whatever reason is terrifying and I will not be told otherwise. Plus, I don’t need or want any new friends, so let’s keep it professional and move on shall we?

But, even the professional new people you have to meet is yucky and gross. I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen. I like to be in control, and know when I can leave. I need an exit strategy ya know?

I don't want to tell anyone a fun fact about myself, and whoever made that shit up needs to be shot. There are no excuses for such bullshit. I don't want to tell you about my day, I just want you to shush.

I try to avoid people when I am out, I just don't want to deal with it. If you have a dog with you however, I will confidently walk on over and ask if one can pet said dog. I am a completely different person.

Even bumping into someone I know makes me panic, but this is more because I am caught off guard and I tend to forget all the words I know and just look and sound like a twat. I will walk away thinking about that conversation for the next ten days to twenty years.

I always say I don’t care if people like me or not, and that is very true. However, I do care if someone is mean to me or if they are going to talk about me to all their friends when I leave and tell them I’m crazy. I know I am, and I can say that but you can’t, stranger.

I could probably count on my fingers the amount of people I actually like in this world, and I would definitely not run out of fingers. People are annoying and I would rather spend my time petting a dog than making any small talk with humans.

I could talk to a dog for hours, it would be like an episode of This is Your Life and we would have a great time, I have no doubt about it.

Meeting humans however, yuck, no thank you. I don’t want it. Why can’t a meeting with my bank or whatever be with a dog. I’d be fully on board with that. No complaints here. I would probably pay more attention.

I am honestly very honoured to be in my people’s lives, as most of the time I don’t even want to talk to me.

Also, you should be totally honoured if you’re in my life in whatever way you are, as the list is short, and it means you are very special to me. You are very welcome.

K, love you bye.

xx