Pump It

A task usually so simple, despite trying to find the motivation to actually get out of the house and do it. It's a ball ache, a snooze fest and I don't wanna. I would rather channel Fred Flintstone than go and get petrol.

When you struggle with your mental health the motivation to just leave the house is the easiest part with this task, and that can take 3-5 business days.

We go about life with zero motivation on a daily basis and still find ourselves surviving each day and getting things done. I know I need to get it, but I would rather stick several forks in my eyes than go it alone.

Why does it feel like the petrol station forecourt is a judges houses for a reality show you want zero part of. You’re just standing there, alone, for all to see. Am I standing weird? Probably. I’ve forgotten how to walk. How the hell do I walk? Did I remember to put a bra on today? Does my walk always look like this?

You feel like you don’t even have chance to pull your trousers up properly. You just dive out of the car, hoping your undies aren’t on show, do a weird little jig to make everything falls into place and just pray your top hasn’t somehow glued itself upside down and inside out to your bra and the whole world can now see you’ve been wearing the same bra for the last two weeks. Which I of course have not…

All this and we haven’t even picked up the damn pump yet. I might as well just give up and go home. Who needs petrol? Not me. I don’t need to leave the house. Let’s just go home.

Did I remember to pay? Of course I did. I can’t get the petrol out if I haven’t paid duh. Obviously, I am using pay at pump. Absolutely nobody needs the horror of having to speak to someone and pay. If pay at pump doesn't work, I will drive away and that was when I was only a little bit crazy. Now, all hell has broken loose and I would rather never leave the house again than deal with this bollocks.

Okay, but where has my card gone? Right, it’s in my hand. Okay, but what is my PIN? Does this card even have a PIN? Did I accidentally take someone else’s card and now I’m going to be arrested for fraud? Did I think to steal their PIN as well as their card?

My parents once had a phone call from the police saying I had driven away without paying. I was nineteen and on my first car, my only concern ever was making sure I had used the right colour pump, not stealing the damn thing. Do I look like a member of a crime organisation?

I’ll constantly give myself a pep talk, as if I’ve suddenly forgotten all of my hard work on colours at primary school. Okay, it’s green, put the green one in Nik. Green. Green. Green. I will check the pump and the screen the whole time I am filling up. Which is stupid, because if it is the wrong one, it's game over for me and my car. A tiny drop is all it needs to fuck that shit right up.

Don’t even get me started when I had a diesel car. That first petrol station visit deserves a post of its own. I’m getting flashbacks just thinking of it. Eww.

Any way back to almost getting arrested and becoming someone's bitch in prison. Long story short, it was the car in front of me. It was the same colour and model as mine and the little bitch at the checkout gave my registration instead. Tut! They apologised with some gift vouchers. Too little too late, Sir, but yes, I will take and spend those vouchers please and thanks.

Having mental health struggles makes you feel so exposed and vulnerable on a daily basis. Having to be responsible for the food and water for my vehicle is just all too much. I won’t lie to you, my big, brave, girlie pants are usually in the wash, so my mama has to step in and save me. I just sit there in the driver’s seat, not making eye contact with anyone like the little princess I am.

What happened to the days when people would do it for you? Bring back those days, I mean they weren't in my time but I've seen that shit in the movies and I want in.

Now I understand why people get electric cars, as well as the whole saving the planet thing of course.

This counts for getting diesel too as the horror is just the same no matter what car you drive. We don’t discriminate here, but maybe go plant a tree or recycle a can just to balance it out a bit. Come back next time for more saving the planet tips, you are welcome.

K, love you. Bye

xx