Shipped? Oh Shit.

Those who know me in real life and on the interweb, know how much I love to shop. I deserve a treat for having a tough week. I deserve a treat for putting my big girl pants on and having a good week. Basically, I always deserve a treat. Those are the rules, I don’t make them.

Clicking confirm purchase online gives me such a thrill, much to my bank accounts dismay. Soz hun. It brings me joy and who am I to fuck with joy? I am not the Grinch now am I?

I know we shouldn’t shop on SHEIN, because it copies artists work and is bad for the environment and I am all for standing up for those things. However, I really needed those gingerbread men lights and a container to carry my dental floss harps in.

My fave thing is just to type in Christmas in the search section and see what joy and triumphants it brings me.

I have however recently discovered that wanting to buy things all the time is in fact part of my bad mental health. Who knew, mental health struggles could be so expensive as well as pure fucking torture.

It is all fun and games until it is delivery day. Cut to me being an absolute psychopath. I love getting 'your items have been shipped emails', but as soon as I get that your order is out for delivery email, I want to move house, countries even, change my name and forget any of this happened. Not because I regret my purchases, no way, no how, but because I do not like the disruption it brings to my life.

We all know I love sleep, and many a delivery has been missed due to me being in the land of nod. I sleep with earplugs, it’s not my fault. The outside world doesn’t exist to me when I am in bed. Leave me alone.

So, here are my worries okay? I worry, I will be asleep and will miss it entirely. Sometimes they leave it with a neighbour or in my porch. But, lately they have been absolute fuckers about it and have been posting a shitty note through my door telling me they will try again tomorrow. Try again to do what? Make me go even more fucking crazy. This is not groundhog day, Sir.

Worry number two, what if they wake me up when knocking? I do not want that parcel anymore, it is not mine please fuck off.

Number three, what if I do hear it, run down stairs and by the time I get there they are getting back into their vehicle. Now, I have to look like a right knob, stick my head out of the door, going ‘Hello? Hello? She has risen. You can come back now.' Absolutely not.

Number four, when I am expecting a delivery and still wish to be in the land of slumber, my brain likes to play tricks on me into thinking the delivery has arrived and someone is banging on the door. I rush down almost breaking my neck every time and I am just left standing in my porch, alone, looking like a right dickhead. This has happened several times, I don’t like it. It’s not funny. It’s not clever and my brain is the worst. I hate you brain.

And last but not least, worry number five what if it doesn’t arrive at all, and me placing the order was just a dream and now I am never going to get that flamingo phone holder and mushroom shaped chair. Oh, I see how this was probably a dream now.

Will I stop? No! But, will I try to be more mindful about what I purchase? Also no. But I will shop small businesses in between my chaos, and maybe try click and collect more often.

Unless it is Christmas or New York related then all bets are off and unless I don’t want to leave the house to click and collect, please just leave it in my porch and be gone. Be gone I say!

My new fave thing to do is say 'Oh what has she ordered now?' and pretend it's Carol who has the shopping addiction not me. Hehe